Almost a week ago while I was at the gym, a machine collapsed when I sat on it and I violently hit it with the back of my head. Head concussion and a sprained neck. Doctor said I had to lay down as much as possible. While I start to use again the wonderful possibility to turn my head when I want to look at right, at left and even a bit up; I experience severe dizziness if I stay too long on my feet or sit for more than half an hour behind the computer.
Years ago while I was at work, my brain kind of blacked-out, it was burned out and the spiral to being highly active to not being able to look at pictures ( I don’t even talk about reading something), to not have a proper conversation without stuttering, to become nervous and exhausted when surrounded by crowd and/of noises began.
This experience helped me to realise that something was not healthy anymore in the way I was living and finally made me take the decision (after my sweet little brain went in fire a second time three years after the first time) to quit doing what I was doing and consecrate myself to an other journey, a photographic one. How, what, where were secondary questions; I just knew I had to follow my guts and live in harmony with the rhythm of my body, mind and soul.
Having a life after two burn-out is not easy, it takes a lot of patience (with yourself but also from your close ones), self indulgence, the capacity to accept your own limits, to accept that what you want and wish do not necessarily match with what your body and brain can afford. Resilience and patience. Find your way; find my way, my own way to rise and shine. Last few months, my head has been boiling with new ideas, new projects, a lot of city trips and it felt good, it felt like everything came to the right place at the right moment.
But today, I did not rise and shine, today I felt lonely and stupid and useless. Today I realised and literally felt the long way I did from my first brain-fire until now. Being again so limited because of a bump on my head is hard, it makes all the little steps I made so fragile. Being constantly reminded by my body since a couple of days that I have to rest, that I have to lay and wait that it passes or being nauseous after reading three pages is a painful reminder of mountains I already climbed.
There was no sunshine in my day today.
Hope your day was joyful and creative.
All rights reserved Carole Rey